Thursday, October 20, 2016

998. Hotel of Horror: 3.5 Stars

Why are all the bathtubs in our hotel coffin-shaped?
Because it's a spooooky hotel, I'll tell you.
I'm kidding.
There was an eight percent discount on them from our fixture supplier.

Thursday, October 13, 2016

997. Game changer

"This new deep fryer is going to be a game changer," she said.
She was leaning in to whisper at her colleagues in the matching polos.
Her eyes had the look of someone gripped with a fever.
"A game changer," she said again, to no one in particular.

Sunday, October 2, 2016

996. Not Ralph

An electric tea kettle is not Ralph.
Neither Bactrian nor dromedary camels are Ralph.
The several stools at your local diner are not Ralph.
Only Ralph is Ralph, and he knows this.

Tuesday, September 27, 2016

995. The woman who watches

In a building across from the pink-lit room, Paula watched her husband Paul.
He did not know this.
She watched him for years to see if he'd changed.
She watched for so long she no longer knew what she was watching for.

Monday, September 26, 2016

994. What goes on in the pink-lit room

They speculated often about the pink-lit apartment across the way.
They were always wrong, of course.
Paul kept the apartment lit in his wife Paula's favourite colour, hoping she'd change her mind and come back to him.
It was a lighthouse in a sea of condominium buildings trying vainly to call her home.

Thursday, September 22, 2016

993. Crumbs

It all began with the two humans who lived in the apartment.
The ate all their meals on the sofa because they had no use for the dining room.
The crumbs they dropped weren't many, but they were enough.
They were enough for the tiny people who lived in the sofa to build their pyramid.

Wednesday, September 21, 2016

992. Conversations I've had with a brown paper bag

Algae makes me anxious.
The kind of people David Remnick meets at parties make me anxious.
These are the things I worry about in the shower, traffic, and the dead of night in my two-bedroom apartment.
What is algae up to?

Friday, September 16, 2016

991. With coffee, all things are possible

"More coffee, dear?"
"Sure, you talked me into it."
"Sounds like it's pretty easy to talk you into things."
And that's the story of how I ended up robbing a bank.

Wednesday, September 14, 2016

990. We need to talk about the volcano

It isn't even the lava, Brett.
It's - and I'm being honest here - the neighbours.
The lava melted their Buick.
I'd say we don't have much more than a day or two before their house is toast.

Monday, September 12, 2016

989. Show me what the locals love

She'd seen all the big ones.
She wanted the real deal now; the stuff the locals loved.
So they led her down one side street and another and another - ad labyrinthus ad infinitum.
She never found her way out.