Wednesday, March 30, 2016

949. of Ohio

Tell me something about Ohio, would you?
I don't know anything about it.
Someday, it may be important that I do.
You never know when you could have a boss or a seditious in-law from Ohio.

Tuesday, March 29, 2016

948. Three-by-five index cards

He did not speak.
Each response was carefully typed on a three-by-five index card.
Interlocutors were shown the response to their question only once.
The cards were then burned and scattered in the garden.

Monday, March 28, 2016

947. Altius

I live in the ruins of an Olympic Village - I can't tell you which one.
They had big plans for its life after The Games.
It all unraveled rather spectacularly - as these things do.
They said it would last forever, an enduring symbol of something or other. 

Friday, March 25, 2016

946. Piccadilly Circus

The picture is of one of those double-decker buses from their trip to England.
Behind the photo is a safe.
Inside the safe is a memory stick with the files.
Get it for me.

Thursday, March 24, 2016

945. Distractions

Edith could hear one of the cats in the litter box.
Pre- or post-shit, she couldn't tell.
It was a distraction from the eulogy she was trying to write.
But, they weren't paying her for nothing.

Wednesday, March 23, 2016

944. Census

He took out a pen and a cheap notebook and wrote down the names of everyone he could remember from high school.
Some of their fates were known to him, so he wrote those down next to their names: teacher, teacher, accountant, teacher.
The rest he made up.
He kept the torn page in his pocket during the reunion.

Tuesday, March 22, 2016

943. You just missed the inspiring speech

Having said her piece, she unshouldered the pickaxe and returned to digging.
It rang over and over against the boulder.
With a great heaving gasp, a crack split the length of the rock.
She thought she caught a whiff of fresh air.

Monday, March 21, 2016

942. It's whatever bomb you decide it is

Tick.
Tick.
Tick.
Boom.

Saturday, March 19, 2016

941. This is a teen dystopian drama story

This is a teen dystopian drama story.
There are rigid castes but someday, special people will break from those castes, changing everything.
You are not one of them.
You have been assigned to the sanitation class.

Friday, March 18, 2016

940. Action

A man walks away from a fire in slow motion.
He never looks back.
Everyone else moves at normal speed.
It's all quite weird.

Thursday, March 17, 2016

939. A note from the campaign staff

Sir, we should talk about Cedric.
It's just, how do I put this?
The staff are concerned about the voters.
People aren't comfortable speaking to a puppet.

Wednesday, March 16, 2016

938. Richard Bolles Nightmare Scenario

A woman wakes wearing a backpack.
Her name is Meredith and she is a Project Manager.
The backpack is a parachute and she is falling.
We all have enemies, I guess.

Tuesday, March 15, 2016

937. My Promoted Tweet is a cry for help

I have valuable insights to offer you.
That's not accurate.
I'm very alone.
Why won't you love me?

Monday, March 14, 2016

936. The Sin Number

The supplicant waited.
Saint Peter dropped brass token after brass token on the scale.
It tilted.
"It's purgatory yet for you, my boy," sighed Saint Peter as he looked past the supplicant down the endless line of sinners.

Saturday, March 12, 2016

935. More than 300 Sharpies

Artistic one-upmanship was Teddy's game.
Making pictures from Google Maps and bicycles was rank amateur shit.
Teddy spent three years dragging Sharpie after Sharpie across American highways.
He was drawing new borders.

Friday, March 11, 2016

934. 300 Sharpies

Used up Sharpies and their packaging were all over the floor.
Things had gone okay - up to the belly button.
He was swinging back and forth - marker in each hand - trying to catch the uncooperative spots on his back.
You can't make your own cat burglar costume folks, you just can't.

Thursday, March 10, 2016

933. You're supposed to be a professional

"You're supposed to be a professional," she said.
He was hanging upside down from some wiring.
His laser pistol was malfunctioning, zapping bolts in all directions.
One of the wayward blasts short circuited the display panel, securing their release.

Wednesday, March 9, 2016

932. Skill testing question

It was in the news.
You may recall reading about it.
An elderly baroness bought a coffee shop chain and began giving away rare and valuable prizes.
I heard someone won the Hope Diamond.

Tuesday, March 8, 2016

931. Banished, not dead

The island freezes in the Winter, and blisters in the Summer.
The only things to eat are coconuts and the turtles with their sharp beaks.
I hate it here more than I can bear.
How did your parents teach you your lessons?

Monday, March 7, 2016

930. Old books

"It smells like old books," said the voice over the loud speaker.
It sounded tinny, like a boy using a soup can to play at being a robot.
The audience murmured as the lead scientist probed the electrified brain.
He would keep searching until he found the brain cells that held the treasure's location.

Thursday, March 3, 2016

929. For the following reasons

1. You are inconsistent with the part of your hair.
2. You've twice mixed up Frank and Joe Hardy (henceforth, The Hardy Boys).
3. I'm incapable of dealing with my shit in an adult fashion.
4. You ordered vegan tacos and diet iced tea at that Barbecue place on my birthday.

Wednesday, March 2, 2016

928. Thirty-second out of...

You know that ranking system you're working on?
I support it.
It's good to have a definitive understanding of where your friends fall in your personal hierarchy - for dinner parties and the like.
Feel free to move me down a couple of notches, in case you meet some exciting new people.

Tuesday, March 1, 2016

927. Co-pay Cabana

They found a dentist - finally - who'd entertain the sheer weirdness of it.
The teeth had burst through everywhere about six months ago.
That was alarming to be sure, but things had gotten worse.
The teeth had developed into fully-realized mouths, mouths that loved Barry Manilow.