Tuesday, January 31, 2017

1036. 4/4

He had the monkey, the goshawk, and the vampire bat.
The goshawk had been the most difficult to find.
He had only to find a panther with a heart of gold.
It's hard to ascribe morality to a jungle cat but, if you ask the question, "What do you get for the woman who has everything?" you run a certain set of risks.



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Monday, January 30, 2017

1035. Alt-facts about eagles

After much soul searching, he decided on the call of the mighty eagle for his ringtone.
Each phone call and text felt like it was coming from the beating heart of freedom.
His friends called it "tedious" - him sounding it off at parties and funerals and whatnot.
But, that young man grew up to be Abraham Lincoln, so what do you know about anything, smart guy?

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Wednesday, January 25, 2017

1034. Preservatives

The arborist stooped her way across the lawn picking up maple leaves.
When she got home, she carefully laminated each one.
Night by night, she secretly hung one from every traffic light and telephone pole in town.
City destruction edict be damned.

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Tuesday, January 24, 2017

1033. Sea lion

Nobody thinks about wizards all that much, but they're around.
One turned my uncle into a sea lion.
We're not really sure whether he's really a sea lion, or just my uncle trapped in form.
He still likes "Louie Louie" by The Kingsmen though.

Monday, January 23, 2017

1032. Slower than usual

The molasses protests rocked Hartford that day.
Residents - many thousands - brought pint after pint and dumped it in front of the Connecticut Capitol.
Slowly, every little thing ground to a halt.
And, they vowed they'd keep dumping their molasses until the General Assembly banned haiku.

Sunday, January 22, 2017

1031. Over time

It was the January thaw.
Everywhere the landscape had given up its shades of white for browns and greens.
Over at the pond, a  hockey net was slowly sinking through the slush.
Didn't look like it would survive until after school.

Saturday, January 21, 2017

1030. Binary instructions for robot dating

Within one hundred years, it was just the robots left.
And sure, some of them had evolved into squid robots and others to various flying robots.
But, most of them retained the form of their human oppressors from years gone by.
Their society was a lot like the one they overtook, but the dating - the advances and the rejections - now happened at the quantum level.

Thursday, January 19, 2017

1029. Find the case

Find the case, boys.
Everything depends on that.
It has all the evidence - enough to bury us.
And its got my lunch.

Tuesday, January 17, 2017

1028. Fire and water

Sarah and Dale walked from the car in the rain.
Dale pulled the weekly paper from their mailbox and thumbed at it as he finished his cigarette.
And suddenly he was obsessed, standing there smoking and reading.
Sarah found him there an hour later, pawing through wet newsprint, the nub of a cigarette in his knuckles.

Monday, January 16, 2017

1027. Hot tub chronicles

I cut through the parking lot of repair shop on my way home.
It was an elephant's graveyard of late model sedans and obscure European numbers.
There, in the midst of the decaying cars, was a hot tub.
What manner of fondue-fueled, bacteria-veneered adventures brought it to this place, I could not say.

Sunday, January 15, 2017

1026. Majestic majesty

He stood on a mountain that couldn't have been seen by more than a dozen people.
As nature unfolded all around him, a bull moose emerged from the forest, full majesty apparent in every step.
Man and beast were at communion - one - when the moose farted.
He did everything to concentrate on the moose's majesty but, hoo boy, that smell.

Friday, January 13, 2017

1025. What it's like to be The Rock's accountant

You'll understand I can't reveal the personal information of any client.
That being said, being Mr. The Rock's (Dwayne's) accountant has been a delightful experience.
He keeps very detailed records of his yearly receipts.
I'd classify the penmanship on his forms as better than average.

Thursday, January 12, 2017

1024. Morning people

The sun rises.
We know this.
It happens every morning in front of our eyes.
What we don't see, is the two men working against the old block and tackle to drag it up over the horizon.

Wednesday, January 11, 2017

1023. Sugar

"Oh sugar, sugar, sugar, shit, sugar."
My Aunt Agnes had hit her thumb with a hammer.
I watched her nurse it for a minute or more.
"Sasha," she said finally, "we must never swear."

Tuesday, January 10, 2017

1022. Brad with the puns

Breaking Brad?
The Good, the Brad, and the Ugly?
Brad Boys II?
Brad, you spent two whole days on this?

Monday, January 9, 2017

1021. Eagles

In those days, town was beset by eagles - flocks of them.
It was all beaks and talons and totalitarian rule.
The people that remained in town walked with downcast eyes.
The eagles' exact political philosophies were unclear, but they ruthlessly enforced.

Sunday, January 8, 2017

1020. Jellyfish

She could only watch as the jellyfish got closer.
They rocked slightly in the water as their tanks slid across the floor on invisible tracks.
As the tanks got closer, the inner walls sank into the floor, pouring water and jellyfish toward her.
Not all spies escape all traps.

Saturday, January 7, 2017

1019. Flyover states

We drilled down deep to the Earth's core searching for Yuan and U.S. Dollars.
Having been sufficiently stressed, the planet fractured into a thousand pieces.
Luckily, those of us with means were able to cover our various acreages and estates in domes capable of sustaining life in space.
For the rest, asteroids ain't no place for people.

Thursday, January 5, 2017

1018. The best you can

Sure,  I'm a mess.
You can't (accidentally) set fire to the breakfast bar at a mid-major hotel chain without knowing that at some level.
But, I'm doing the best I can with what I've got.
I'll live and die with those words on my lips.

Wednesday, January 4, 2017

1017. Smith/Smith

Mr. and Mrs. Smith were in conflict.
They were having a baby.
The naming of the boy/girl was at the heart of the matter.
Mr. Smith was quite taken with his last name, "Smith" whereas Mrs. Smith (nee Miss Smith) was for her line of "Smiths".

Tuesday, January 3, 2017

1016. Magnesium powder and potassium chlorate

And then I looked and I saw him.
I watched as he staggered to the top of a minor hill made of rubbish.
When he reached the top, he paused, a confident hero.
And he stood there, trousers slung over his shoulder, like a schoolboy in search of a Jostens representative.

Monday, January 2, 2017

1015. Lesser rodents

A rat, a fink they called her - a rat fink.
She recorded all their conversations on her tiny tape recorder.
When it was done, each miniature cassette joined the rest, walled up behind the bathroom tiles.
When the Feds got her in cuffs, she sang lead vocals with the tapes on backup - sang, sang, sang.

Sunday, January 1, 2017

1014. The civilized sound of ice

By twist of luck, the luxury liner ran aground on an iceberg around the size of Pittsburgh.
I call it luck because there was sufficient ice for the Negronis - at least.
In another way, you might think it unlucky since they died, down to the last person.
That's how they were found - dead down to the last person - pickled in semi-sweet vermouth.